The Dark Days

It is a common misconception that depression is being sad all the time. This is not true. When you are depressed, mostly what you feel is nothing. An absence in yourself. You feel no motivation, no joy, no anything. You might as well be feeling the equivalent to watching a pot of water, waiting for it to boil.

There is some sadness, but it is mixed in with feeling guilt over feeling the way you do and feeling isolated from the people around you, even your close friends and family. It’s a feeling of hopelessness that things can never get better, and self loathing that you can’t just toughen up and feel better. Not to mention the anxiety most people feel as well.

For me personally I felt all of these things, but mostly I felt exhausted. Thoughts of how stupid and useless I was would keep me up all night, and when I could sleep I had night terrors that gave me no rest at all. In the morning I would feel to exhausted to get out of bed, let alone go to class.

One morning I woke up to realized that I had been in bed for almost two weeks and had only left to get food after my roommates had left for class. That was alright though, because I had no appetite. One night my friend sat on the couch holding me, because I couldn’t stop crying. I thought about going to the hospital, but there wasn’t anything really wrong with me, it’s not like I had the flu. My denial was still strong.

While all this was happening, I was supposed to be going to school and working towards my degree.  And as you can guess from my description of my state at the time, my grades were suffering.

What do you do when you have no idea where your life is going?

If you figure it out, let me know.

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